Gender and pronouns matter a lot, sometimes, often, and never. They matter a bit once in a while, and they matter every second of every day. They are the most significant meaningless aspects of everyone’s and no one’s life. They belong to everyone in the world while being exclusively yours, unique to you as a branch is to a tree.
This is the summation of my conclusion on gender in this year of 2020.
This year I ‘cracked’, meaning I realized I am a trans guy. An ‘egg’ is a trans person that does not yet realize they are trans. Once you do, the egg is cracked. At least, that is my understanding. I am new here after all.
I have been married for over 6 years. My wife and I tied the knot the first year gay marriage was legalized in Minnesota, which was a year before it became legal nationwide. I have lived as an out and proud queer person since my teens. My wife supports this path and we are quite happy I arrived at this conclusion.
I am not writing this to expound on what led to my ‘cracking’. Instead, I am writing this from a point of mild frustration in regards to understanding the grand enigma that is gender, gender expression, and gender recognition.
We all have an absolutely insane internal dictionary of gender binary norms. The more I head down my transition path the more ridiculous it all seems. And I thought it was all total BS already! Things like boot height, or coat length are stupidly and very specifically gendered. I live in Minnesota, as previously stated, and I hate being cold. I do love winter though, which means I take my outdoor attire seriously. Apparently, men’s coats are meant to be worn waist length and most mens winter boots do not go much above the ankle. What good is that in deep snow? Now, I am not here for fashion advice. Clothes standards between gender are specific as hell and I do not wish to, nor intend to, conform to them. But maybe I will have to in order to ‘pass, which means to be seen as male. But here’s the thing…I don’t wanna! See first paragraph as a reminder on my thought process when it comes to gender and pronouns. Clear as mud, yes?
In the end all I know is that I am this person in this squishy flesh robot. We all have our own squishy flesh robots to drive around this world and through this life. I have some factory upgrades that need seeing to, while others do not. What does this all mean? I have no idea.
My name is Micah. My pronouns are….in flux. Be well, be awesome, be whoever the fuck you wanna be.